“When I called your Crisis Line, I knew I was talking to someone who genuinely cared”
Content warning: this story contains discussion of bereavement and is focused on the theme of suicide. You may find this upsetting to read – please take care.
Ruari, like too many, has seen the devastating impacts of suicide first-hand.
He says it was that knowledge – and a call to our Crisis Line – which ultimately saved his own life when he was experiencing mental health challenges.
In fact, speaking of the moment he made the call, Ruari says: “It was almost like he knew me – he just got me, instantly. I knew I was talking to someone who genuinely cared.”
Here, he bravely shares his experience, in the hopes it could help someone else…
“I first joined the fire service, working in Fire Control for South Yorkshire FRS, in 2024,” says Ruari. “I’d been working night shifts before that and had previously experienced mental health struggles.
“When I was 15, my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer and, alongside my family, I helped to care for him as a young carer.
“Dad passed away when I was 21 and I wasn’t in a good place afterwards. I tried some counselling at first, but ultimately, I tried to wing it myself for a while. Looking back, I was naively thinking I could handle it alone.
“When Covid hit, I was sat a lot with my own thoughts and around May or June 2020, I nearly came to harm. My best friend dropped everything and came round and prompted me to get some help. I met another counsellor and stayed with them for over two years. They gave me the groundwork to know where I was at and start addressing stuff.”
Around 2023, Ruari began considering a change in career, wanting to move away from night shifts and find a new way of giving back to his community.
“It was my girlfriend who spotted the Fire Control job,” he says. “I initially thought, ‘there’s no way I’d get that’, but I’m so glad I went for it.
“They prepare you a lot for the stress and pressures of the job and, honestly, I’ve never met such a phenomenal group of people.
“I loved the job immediately but, without knowing it, I’d again started to put a lot of pressure on myself in those first few months and had unrealistic expectations of myself. Then something really minor happened at home which I reacted badly to, and I started catastrophising everything… it escalated quickly, and I didn’t talk to anyone.
“I let it all build up and around two days later I hit rock bottom. I seriously contemplated suicide for the second time in my life – I truly felt in that moment that the best thing I could do for the people around me was to remove myself from the picture, which of course, was so far from the truth. You can’t think clearly when you’re at that point.
“I had previously seen the impact that suicide has on loved ones first-hand, and I remembered it in that moment. I also remembered a talk we had early on at work, around mental health support, and the first name on that list was Fire Fighters Charity and its Crisis Line.”
Our Crisis Line – 0300 373 0896 – is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, offering immediate and ongoing suicide and mental health crisis care for past and present UK fire services personnel. Find out more here:
“Just remembering that number and knowing there was someone there, that alone actually changed my mindset,” says Ruari. “I just thought, ‘no, I can’t do this to the people I care about’. I picked up the phone and the man I spoke to was amazing.
“Before the call, I was terrified to be honest. I worried it might be a black mark against me in some way if I ever revealed I’d needed help, but within minutes I realised that was completely wrong.”
Ruari was offered a series of supportive sessions over the phone in his first call.
“I got more from those first few calls than I did in the years of sessions I’d had before,” he adds. “It completely changed my outlook. It reinforced that it was a door I could never go through. It was remarkably good.
“It was almost like he knew me – he just got me, instantly. I knew I was talking to someone who genuinely cared. He understood me, and he could help me straight away. That was unbelievably reassuring.
“We see and hear such awful stuff at work, but knowing there’s support there for us is incredible. And of course there’s so much there before you reach that point too, that’s something I’ll always remember in future.
“There isn’t an instant cure for mental health, it’s something you always need to work on – but the help is there.
“I wanted to do something meaningful, that will help anyone else who may be struggling like I was. I hope, by sharing my story, it will help someone else to know that they’re not alone.”
We spoke to Ruari’s partner, Billie, who shared her own experience of supporting him through such a challenging time:
“Ruari can shutdown when he is overwhelmed and stressed (like most people) so I can always tell when something is weighing heavy on his mind,” she told us, when asked what some of the signs were that he was struggling. “He’ll sometimes keep things to himself to try and protect me and lighten my load (which it doesn’t do, but he does it with honest intentions). I find it tricky to navigate as I just want to help and I’m aware he needs it but not necessarily in what I can offer.
“We speak a lot about how we feel together, but it wasn’t until after he called Fire Fighters Charity’s Crisis Line that he told me about it. I knew things weren’t great (as I know him better than he knows himself) but I had to hear from him when he was ready to share.
“I think in the job role he has, it can be emotionally challenging and it has very sore subjects that people aren’t exposed to as freely. Whilst he does want to shield me from some of the horrors that happen, it is important that he has colleagues and other people who can empathise and understand his experiences. Whilst I do my best to understand I know that’s very different from experiencing certain things.
“We check in with each other all the time to see how we really feel and to offer support and care for each other. Ultimately we want to be the best we can for each other.”
And speaking of what helped both of them at the time, she says: “We’d find time to do things away from home/work stresses. Ruari also goes most weeks to the men’s Walk and Talk group. Having a circle outside of home and work is really beneficial, it’s like having someone impartial. They all check in in each other and knowing he has the chance to get things off his mind frequently is a huge help to him and a relief for me! Ruari will always advocate the group and I think that speaks volumes for what it provides him.
“I think when Ruari realised he could speak to someone external he felt better for not ‘adding to my stress’ and more positive, hearing words of support from a different person than myself. I think Ruari felt that his stress became more manageable.”
Billie says she fully supports our mental health resources and adds: “I would love people to have the courage to speak with them and seek support. There is no shame in needing help and helping yourself! I’m grateful for all the support we’ve received.”
If you’re struggling and feel you can’t cope, Fire Fighters Charity is here for you. Whatever you’re going through, call our Crisis Line now 0300 373 0896. We are always here to listen – in confidence and without judgement. You can find out more about what to expect here.
If you feel you’d benefit from our health and wellbeing support, you can call our Support Line on 0800 389 8820 or make an enquiry online.